The next big leap is coming. It is near. I see the cliff beyond which I have never been. I see it ahead, just two weeks away now. The cliff looks high and scary. The ground I have known ends, and then there is only air. But far beyond that, I see a beautiful land, I hope. Still cloudy from where I stand, it appears to be a land I have dreamed of my whole life though hardly let myself hope for. It looks beautiful and grounded, free and fancy.

There has been a dark spot in the center of my body, equal parts ignored and annoyed. I have survived with it, as anyone can live with unhealed parts. But as other parts of my life have healed, this one is now ready for thriving. The dark spots will be taken out, and the light given more space and new soil to grow in.

In two weeks I am scheduled to have gender affirming bottom surgery. December 18th is the day on the calendar for this wild leap of faith. I will be put under anesthesia and have a surgeon shift around my genitals and reshape them to better suit me. They will be cut open, some of my body’s insides taken out, and that extra hole sealed up. The old innie’s chains cut to free a new outie ready to meet the world. Sewn together with healing light and followed by a several month recovery process to let everything mesh and meld together.

So close to the date now, the shadows of my mind bringing doubts and fears to the surface. They cloud the experience and make my guts jump. This feels too big and scary and exciting and life changing. My mind cannot take it in. It is far too big to think I can do this myself; I have no choice but to give it back to my Higher Power. God, if you said this was the right thing, then you will take us through it. And so we walk towards the cliff together, me trusting the great One. Every time I have jumped before, something much better awaited me, and so I must have faith again. Time keeps bringing me closer, this new land awaits, and trust will bring me there. I gather the people I love with me, and we walk out together, getting ready to fly.