The morning had begun fine, just like any other. I had rolled out of bed and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth, while thinking about the day to come. Thinking about what work shifts I had today, who I might see, and excited about what I might eat. So quickly though, those mundane thoughts had turned to fear without me having any control. My mind had attached to the thought of me being the only transperson at this yoga center. That it’s so unfair, and the people here don’t understand, and the world doesn’t understand, and why do I have to face this each day? Why is there so much injustice in this world? There’s only two black people here, and that’s so stupid. It’s too old fashioned here, people following gender roles, with only men on rock crew and the women mostly work inside. Maybe this isn’t the place for me, maybe I should go back to Chicago where people will understand me and there’s diversity and I’ll have queer friends again who get it. Maybe I should leave at the end of this session. It’s only in one more month. Yeah, I could totally do that. I could go live with Sarah and be in Chicago with my friends, and be around queer people and …

My two year meditation habit walks me to the corner of my little cabin in the woods, where my meditation cushion waits for me under the window overlooking three beautiful redwood trees. I unconsciously sit down, with my mind still working quickly on how to escape from this experience, and I start the 20 count inhale. Hold the breath at the top for 20 counts, exhale for 20 counts, and repeat.

An hour and a half practicing the challenging task of bringing this wild mind back to focus on my breath. Off the thoughts go, planning this, that, or the other, and then remembering the breath. Trying my best not to demonize or be mean to my wild mind, but to let it be. Let it be however it is, and bringing it back as often as I can to the slow and subtle inhales and exhales. Over time, it strips away some of the gunk in me, allowing me to feel the space in my chest. My heart gently vibrates, soothing the old tension that had resided there for so long. My mind partially freed from its constant intensity, I feel a softening spread. Like the sharpness in my mind has softened to an almost liquid form spreading down through the rest of my body. The breath much deeper now, continuing to slow everything down. Sitting in this peace for a bit to let it simmer inside me.

Slowly opening my eyes to the trees outside my window, they look larger and clearer now. I stand up with awareness and let a few yoga asana poses bring me back into this life of motion and change. The discomfort of stretching and challenge of tensing muscles awakens my relaxed mind and brings a sharper focus into this physical moment. Connecting my body to the breath and mind, all three are brought closer together.

Now, and only now, am I really ready to start my day. I see more clearly the beauty around me, and the love that this community is offering me. It’s not about being trans, it’s about being human. Though there will always be differences, greater than that is something deeper that connects us. Re-awakened to this day and this world, I open the cabin door and look out onto the path ahead of me with clearer eyes. Uncertain, not knowing what will happen, I take God’s hand as we walk down the path to the community building. Ready to try again to reengage with this complicated and beautiful world.