It’s prom night, spring of 2002. I shave my legs for the third time ever and wear a decent black dress I found that’s not too frilly. Doable. Hair’s out of the ponytail and down on my neck. We had a soccer game this afternoon, so all my teammates are getting ready together. Someone puts a little makeup on me, and I say, “Not too much.” My boyfriend shows up all sweet and nice, even though I’m about to spend the whole night trying to avoid him. I take the prom pictures with everyone else, playing a part in someone else’s movie. I’ve got a second skin on that dulls the void between the part I’m playing and what’s genuinely inside of me. I’m trying my best to make it work. But it’s only a matter of time (before this box shatters and my infinite light shines through the cracks).

Afraid of the unknown, of what people will think, of our infinite greatness, we spend huge chunks of our lives in small boxes, hiding from that piece of truth buried deep inside. But what happens if we find the courage to listen to that inner voice and break out? If that voice tells us to tear down the walls, and helps us see the light outside? Sometimes we can let go of these boxes with grace, but often they crash or smash open, with huge tears and explosions. Sometimes we have to dive right into the fire in order to clear out space for our deeper Self to rise up.

I wore the female box for most of my life, but a few years ago, those walls started tearing down. In moments of stillness, I could hear a deeper voice inside of me shouting out to me. It got louder and louder, screaming for me to listen until I couldn’t avoid it anymore. It told me to question my body, to question the clothes I was wearing, to question how I related to my partner at the time, my family, my coworkers. To question my gender, and the whole idea of gender. That voice grew until its painful sound took over my whole stomach, like lightning coming to destroy the walls around me. It struck my box down to flames and burnt up my nice little world of order and familiarity. It challenged me to rise up, to break out, and to join with that  powerful force that created me. It was the voice of truth.

I see scars on my chest now. Two upside down T’s all the way across my chest. I take my testosterone shot and listen to my voice change. Watch the muscles slowly grow—now I can do 7 pull-ups instead of just 1. Watch the hair slowly grow on my face. 2, 4, 6 hairs now on my chest. Watch my emotions stabilize slightly, watch the tears come slower. Watch the calm spread.

I can feel the calm coming from deep within. Having removed some of the layers in-between, my connection to Self is stronger. I can feel the connection as an airy sensation inside my chest, expanding slowly through breath. Breathe in, breathe out, feel the air inside connecting me to everything outside.

These changes to my body are symbols of a deeper shift inside. They prove to me that my soul has the power to change this physical world we see as all-powerful. But our souls are bigger than these boxes would have us believe. We’re bigger than our bodies, bigger than any role we play. Deep down, each one of us carries the power of all of nature and the universe beyond.

As these walls are dropped, the barriers between me and other people disappear too. The closer I get to my genuine nature, the more I can feel it in everyone else too. That space outside the roles we play is where we all come together as one, with the same needs, the same deepest desires, the same infinite potential.

As I see it, breaking out of our boxes gives us a taste of the infinite. When I faced the fear and finally let go, I found the universe holding me. I was a baby on a cloud, being led towards greatness. The whole universe, the divine force, all of nature carrying me through every moment. All that is, together as one. No matter what boxes we’re breaking out of, or what unknown we’re courageously entering, that space outside is the same for all of us. In this courageous vulnerability, we touch the infinite.

 

(Picture created by Connor Maxon to go with this piece. Find more of his work at http://www.connormaxon.weebly.com)